the west can be a desperate place

'eyyyy chipper!

Sep 11, 2007
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tally one up on my "alex smiles way too fucking much" list. sarah and i ran to wegmans after class tonight, and.. well. some 26+ year olds found me smiling. what can i say, i attract sketchiness.

xy; "dang girl, someone's all happy today. whatcha smilin' about?"

xx; "oh i don't know, i'm always happy."

xy; "yeah? so what's up, did your boyfriend surprise you with a boquet of roses?"

xx; "hahah, no way. i just like smiling."

xy; "hm. just happy to be shoppin'?"

xx; "nah. i'm too broke to enjoy my shopping."

xy; "well dang chipper. we're broke too, you should hang out with us."

xx; "hahah, maybe another time."

...a few minutes later, different aisle...

xy; "yo girl. still smilin'?"

xx; "of course."

xy; "you know, you should really hang out with us."

xx; "i don't know about that. i'm busy tonight."

xy; "...we've got alcohol."

xx; "well don't you guys know how to talk to teenagers.. sorry, no thank you."

xy; "whatever, chipper."

:x that ranks right up there above the "just drove by you" text message. hooray rochester.

no, wait.

Sep 7, 2007
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scratch that last part of the last post.

spoke too soon, you know how that goes. seems to happen a lot, right?

i can't quite say i'm disappointed in him, should have expected that. i'm just disappointed in myself, because i'm finding myself consistently letting my guard down. whatever. now i just need to suck it up and get over it.. and luckily, it's the weekend.. and i at least have a bed i can curl up in and mope around on now. i guess that's a plus.

here comes the sadness that i've missed so much.

..i know you're sick of me, but you could have been the one to make it all disappear

you stay classy, san diego

Aug 20, 2007
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i'm flying out in about three hours. (: i don't think i've ever been so psyched to go anywhere.. namely SCHOOL. but i can't help it, all of this excitement regarding the house, friends, cocktail parties, and etc has built up so much, i'm basically ready to burst. i'm literally giddy.. and it feels like it's been ages since i've gotten my mood perked up so highly. so thank goodness, it came right in time. also. monday night football. bears at colts. that probably has a lot to do with the whole giddyness. but whatever. it's all good.

so our suitcases are about 98% packed.. and hopefully they're all under 50lbs. how i managed to do this last year is a complete and total mystery to me. maybe all of those shopping trips this summer were a bad idea. but who could resist, ballet flats, reefs, rainbows, seven jeans, CDs, and DS games. goodness. (: the only thing i feel like i'm missing is an iphone. [i'm jealous of you, sheryl.]

40 minutes till our ride shows up. i guess i should go change and bring some suitcases down and pack up the computer. tomorrow'll be a long day, what with the walkthrough with the realtor, trips to the shed, measuring windows, purchasing blinds, final purchases for the washer/dryer, etc. then on wednesday, we sign the papers and the house is good to go and free to be moved into. sweet. (:

less than a week left

Aug 14, 2007
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my summer home is officially over in.. about six days now? and i couldn't be more excited to head back. to be completely honest, i'm sick of this place. i expected too much before i came home and did too little to satisfy any of those expectations. throw a kick back? nope. beach day? not really. lunches galore with friends? eh, maybe two or three. disneyland? once. so much for those my 3 days left at the park. granted, i know i was incredibly busy with my work schedule. who knew i'd be stuck working full time, hours smack dab in the middle of the day and evening.

whatever, i guess i got my week of vacation in with andrew, and that should hold me over. sightseeing, santa monica, san francisco, getting a fine frenzy's autograph. that's all good. and the friendships made with the guys at work, i have those as well. unfortunately i only have two more days with them. tonight's my last night closing with eric.. tomorrow will be my last day opening. i'm a little sad to go, mainly because i've found myself loving my coworkers about as much as some of the friends i've spent years getting to know. they're amazing guys, with incredible side jobs. photographers at night clubs, guitarist, comic book artist, etc. it's unfortunate that i don't get to pack them all up and take them with me.

but i guess instead of dragging myself down, i should be pumping myself for my second to last day of work. hopefully it'll go better than yesterday. imagine this, our printer was down from 9:30-4:30. our kodak machine was down from 10-4. i did absolutely NO prints whatsoever yesterday. aside from the four control strips i sent through the machine, all jamming in the same position. sweet, right? when i left, we must have had about 25 orders waiting to be completed. too bad the new guy was left with all of those. ;x i feel a little bad.. kinda. eh.

girl you've got to understand, the modern man must hustle

Aug 10, 2007
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my head is all over the place.. again.. go figure. i'm feeling such an absolute melange of things, it's getting more and more difficult to comprehend it all. and i feel bad, because it seems like just about all of my entries here are just full of myself not understanding a thing. but once again, the feeling has struck me and left me dumbfounded.

i guess i've just realized that the boy that i was so excited about in the last entry, the cornell one, might just be a bad idea. okay, not might, but probably is. i keep trying to force myself to believe anything but that. you know, i'm pulling the whole 'but we have the same taste in movies!' 'but he drives an audi!' 'but he goes to cornell!' 'but he studied in berlin for a year!' bullshit. i guess none of that's important, not even the audi, if we can't manage to hold a conversation without ending up with the same subject matter as always, and frankly, i'm sick of it. it's fun, sure, in moderation, but at the rate that he's pouring this shit on me, it's getting old.

this gives me the 10 days or so before i fly back.. and then the week or so before we both have our free time to see each other to decide if this is worth it or not. i'll admit it here, i've gotten myself hooked and it's getting a bit harder each day to pull myself away. and right now, i don't think i'm strong enough to pull the hook out of my lip and walk away. "mistook love at first sight for a sex look... the modern man's hustle, i dig it, i shuffle." oh atmosphere, you get me everytime.

other than this kid.. there's this coworker of mine. really, i've grown to love all of my coworkers, minus the two kids that just started. aside from the two, they're all comfortable messing around with me, and on slow days, we all just stand around and talk. it's incredible. however, there's alejandro, who's gotten to know me the best out of the lot and has no problem whatsoever teasing me. all the time. he throws orders at me, steals my chair, makes fun of me, accuses me of crying, and makes fun of me because he makes more money than i do. it's like elementary school all over again.. except, in the workplace?

but really, i don't mind. at all. he's sweet and he makes the stressful times a little more fun. but apparently, this sort of thing is frowned on in work situations. and apparently, i'm flying across the country soon. sweet. anyways, last night, we must have spent an hour and a half messaging each other on myspace. granted, he warned me of this, because i told him that he would miss me when i leave because he'll have no one to make fun of. he disagreed, saying he could either call me or harass me on myspace. i guess he kept his word? hm, whatever. i'm only writing all this because i'm desperately trying to look for a meaning behind words and actions. maybe i should just chill and just stop analyzing anything and everything that passes my way. sounds tough.. and i'm not liking the sound of anything tough right now.

californiaaaaa in the summer

Jul 30, 2007
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it's 1:08am and i'm sitting in my living room right smack dab in the middle of andrew and my father. they've been talking for about three hours straight, and if i didn't know better, i would assume that they're in love. there's finally a gap in the conversation, that awkward silence that always eventually rolls around. wait, just kidding, now they're talking about TGIfriday's.

andrew's visit has been so far so good. saturday night, jenelle and i met him at the airport and then realized that i desperately needed gas. andrew was a sweetheart, and offered to buy my first tank of gas. in california for 20 minutes and already was down $50. but then we decided to drive down to belmont park to walk along the beach. the sand is so much finer there, did you know this? then we went back to jenelle's to have a little bonfire and nibble on some carne asada fries.

today we just decided to drive. south bay freeway to 5 south to palm ave, straight past IB to drive along the coronado coast. we saw some kid jamming out on one of those real estate signs like it was a guitar, that was probably the greatest things i had seen in a long time. we considered stopping at the strand, just because i'm madly in love with that beach.. but we just continued straight on to old town. checked out a few of the houses, bought some candy, then drove down to fashion valley. you know, to impress him with the whole outdoor mall deal. oh, and the bang&olufsen store. good lord, they have some nice $13,500 tvs. gorgeous. we went to the cheesecake factory for lunch, then drove home to just chilllll.

tomorrow we should be heading to balboa park. tickets for the zoo are like $33, a lot cheaper than i expected. then tuesday's still up in the air.. wednesday we're possibly going to california adventures? then sleeping up in pasadena.. thursday, we'll be driving up the 1 to san francisco and staying up there until saturday. things are going smoothly, we're enjoying ourselves, and my parents like the extra company around the house.. my father especially.

and i'm just in a good mood, finally, because i've secured myself a date with a boy from cornell back when i get up to school. we've been talking on and off since i went to school.. took a break from each other as he studied in berlin for a semester.. and now we're talking again. soo that's sweet? i guess. i'm looking forward to it at least. (:

you don't owe me anything, you paid me well with memories

Jul 28, 2007
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tonight, i took the long way home. i drove around some of the residential streets in coronado. then the business district. then got off the freeway at main st. and national city ave. then made a big circle, got back on the 5 south, got off again at the next exit, drove to the marina and back, made that same circle, and eventually got back home. i needed to think, a lot. and i did. i wanted to cry, but i couldn't muster up any tears. and i wanted to listen to a fine frenzy. i realized tonight that a lot of her stuff is pretty depressing. probably not the best type of mood music.. but you know.

i am tearing myself apart. i am analyzing and hating and just.. not caring anymore. because, you know, i've finally realized just how easy it is to not care. well, unless you're desperately trying not to care, because you have to keep reassuring yourself of that you're ready to forget them, forcing you to think of them at the same time. what a vicious cycle. i'm not sure where i'm going with this, i'm just typing and listening to cheers and considering passing out. i'm just upset and i don't know what else to do with myself.

this all sounds a lot better in my head though. a lot of things do. it's like when you're too fucked up to function properly. your head is buzzing with thoughts and reasonings and you know just how stupid you're really acting and sounding.. but too bad, you can't do anything about it. that's a bad experience. nothing makes you feel worse than that, really.

andrew's coming soon. and that's good, i guess. i'm needing this mini-vacation a lot more than i'm realizing. i would say that i need it to escape from drama.. but i don't have any. really, i don't have enough friends down here anymore to have any. that's part of the pros and cons of leaving, right? whatever.

i'm seconds away from just pummeling my keyboard because i feel like that would just get out my frustration out a hell of a lot better than just typing this random bullshit and jumping around and writing poorly. but what good would that do. but it's not like this does much good either. i need to do something, because this is getting to be ridiculous.

it's about 1:00 and now i think i'm thinking too much too quickly to keep up with myself. i could try to go on. i keep thinking about being narrow-minded and stupid and naive, those adjectives not all directed totally at me, but i will easily accept them. but i don't know. i'm tired. and this is probably incoherent enough. and i have work tomorrow, and unfortunately i'm opening. and unfortunately, tomorrow morning's work starts out with not only with the densometer and what not, but i need to find out how to change the inks and chemistry on a machine that i've really never used. and i need to resubmit my application because the company misplaced mine in the mail. whatever. vacation starts tomorrow evening at 6:01pm. maybe by then i'll stop this thinking.

juuuust a quickie.

Jul 26, 2007
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i'm about to step out to go see hairspray and have dinner with laura.. but i figured i needed to type a little bit.. just because. i got a call from pete, the head of construction up in rochester this morning with a tad bit of bad news. the chandeliers we wanted for the foyer and dining room are no longer available at lowes. at any lowes in the US. greeeeat. my dad and i spent the morning online looking up chandeliers, and eventually headed to lowes to find some replacements. did you know that shopping for lights isn't.. exciting? i did this before with my dad when he came to visit roch-cha-cha.. we must have spent four hours in the light section looking for different pieces to fill the entire house. four hours. in lowes. now interior design is nice and all.. but really now.

luckily i've been a little too busy with work to make too many trips to lowes and home depot. it's seriously getting old. i sold my second camera yesterday, which would probably give me about $5 or $7 in commission. [sweet.] unfortunately, after the two girls who bought it left, i went to log the sale in our books and i realized that the only model available was the display.. and well, i sold an empty box for $299.99. great. i just about flipped out. we had no way to contact the girls and my co-worker eric was too busy with customers to calm me down. eventually they came back and i got them their camera.. but still, what a train wreck that was. apparently eric had done the same thing once.. except his customer never came back. in fact, he flew back to another country before he realized that the box was empty. how embarassing that must have been..

annnd i am super psyched for saturday.. aside from working 9:30-6. my friend andrew from school, who lives in hanover massachusetts, is coming down for the week! my boss gave me the entire week off so i'll be free to just go out and play with andrew. hallelujah. except the downside of that is.. we need to think of things to do. any ideas would be very much appreciated. (: we tossed around the idea of road tripping up to san francisco to see the rufus wainwright/A FINE FRENZY!!/sean lennon concert, and that seemed like a possibility. i guess i'll just have to keep my fingers crossed for that baby, because that would be absolutely stellar. (: plus nick told me that i would have to stop by on the drive up to see him if that trip happens. so i guess i'm crossing my other fingers for that one too. but seriously. ideas? please?

i'm trying not to think about you

Jul 19, 2007
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me & nick

you know when some things are too close for comfort? you just go somewhere or someone says something and it sparks up some whole past memory and drives you absolutely insane. that's probably the only way i could describe this past sunday. from the awkward feelings to the methods of playing, from the frozen lemonade to the types of rides, it all seemed so.. similar.

looking away from my bad habits of shyness, and not speaking up, and feeling intimidated by sweet guys, that whole feeling from above simply shut me up for the entire day. what should have been incredibly enjoyable, a great addition to what should be an amazing summer home was just.. a remind of what was and what isn't. well okay, maybe that's not quite right, i did have a nice time. i mean, hell, disneyland is always fun. but looking back, i know i must have seemed so ridiculous with a frown or what not on my face at seemingly random times during the day. but whatever, the past is the past. at least i came out with a new friend, a souvenir, and a few cute pictures. and uh, at least we got on the nemo ride, even though the line seemed like it took ages.

i wish i could say more about the day, the aftermath, and whatever else, but i'm incredibly down right now.. and i'm being distracted by the godfather: part ii, but that's beside the point. i guess.. i just never thought that a loss of.. hope. just hope, nothing more, could have such a negative effect. but then again, i've never really been the optimistic type, so i guess dashing me down when i am on such an unusual high would have that sort of effect. but whatever, because now i'm just rambling on.

..in brighter news, the house looks nice.

home

work, disney, work, complain, work

Jul 15, 2007
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i feel like i work too much. 1pm-9:30pm, five days a week. hello full time. thank goodness ritz isn't terrible. unfortunately it's not all that great either. i really enjoy doing the film processing.. the printing and editing, that's what makes my day. but then again, there's the customers and pushing sales and all of that other crap which i can't really stand. or well, when it gets incredibly busy 20 minutes before closing, catching eric and i off guard. but a job's a job, and i guess it beats fast food or something.

i'm going to disneyland tomorrow [today?]. really, that's the only thing on my mind. for the past.. month? month, i guess. i've been talking quite a bit to one of jenelle's friends from sjsu, nick. i guess we really hit it off, and now we're spending quite a bit of text messages and phone calls on each other. [deja vu?] soo this means i'll be at disneyland with jenelle and this nick character. it's exciting. and nervewracking. but to be completely honest, it just feels like i've already done all of this before. i guess the only thing left to do is not to expect anything and keep my chin up. it'll all be alright.. right?

mm. my summer is drifting away, i can just feel it. work ended up completely consuming me and now it's left me with literally no time to see too many people. i hate to admit it, but i almost feel as if coming home was a waste, aside from a few days and a couple of upcoming paychecks. at the moment, it feels like andrew and malcolm won't be able to come out to see me, especially if my work schedule keeps up like this. i need to find out when i have to quit. all i know is that on august 21st, i believe, i will be back in rochester for who knows how long. that leaves me with approximately.. what, 1 month 6 days? well fuck, i need to get out of ritz soon, don't i.