cooxie’s Neighborhood

In short, today was a good day.  I love my friends.  I hate stupid people.  I need to learn how to swim.  And I need to leave, like, NOW.  I have a lot on my mind and no way to get it out.  I think one of these days I'm just going to burst.

Say bye to me being lady-like, say peace to me trying to keep the peace.

Elizabeth and I were talking in the car today about relationships in general.  She mentioned that if we fell in love like our parents did, I would've married Nick and she would've been Brandon's mistress.  Fucking glad that didn't happen, for both of us.  But we were also saying that it seems like happiness is so hard to attain nowadays.  But why?  We couldn't really figure it out.  It's a common goal shared among all people, or at least I would assume.  So, why do we have such a hard time staying there when we get there?

Society is changing.  When I was growing up, my parents hardly fought.  Now if they do fight, it's mostly about money or something adult-like.  I wonder if they ever fought about shit like what I argue with people about.  I wonder if my mom or dad dated anyone before each other.  If so, how many?  For how long?  How serious?  I have quite a lot of questions, but I'm pretty sure I know the general answers.  Probably one or two people, not for too long, and definitely not so serious.  Nor do I think there was so much cheating back then either.

So, if this is the case, what will it be like when we get older?  My parent's generation probably only had one or two significant others.  In my generation, it seems hard to stick with one for a few months.  Not for me in particular, but just in general.  It's not impossible, my sister got married to the boy she had a crush on ten years ago.  Granted, they had a few serious (and a few non-serious) relationships in between, but it's the end result that matters right?

Now that I know all this, I really do wonder where I will be in ten years.  Married, like my sister?  Kids?  More importantly, where will I be in my career?  How far would I have gotten in school?  Where will I be living?  Who will be my friends?  It's almost scary to think about it all, but I can't wait. 

i don't know why i'm writing in here.  and i have no clue why i'm wasting my time writing to you.  maybe because i'm hoping you might read it?  who knows.

i told you to never speak to me again; no calls, no texts, no emails, no nothing.  and i 100% completely mean it.  but i hate this.  i hate to admit it but you were one of my best friends, and that's not a term i use loosely.  i've spoken to you everyday since we met.  or at least since november 13th (i also hate how i can remember random shit like that).  so knowing that i've spoken to you every day for the past six months and seven days, it's weird that it's not an option anymore.  i explained to vince a little what happened and he said, "sounds like a break up to me."  i denied it vehemently, but when i think about it, he's sort of right.  every time you lose a friend it's like a break up, of course the extremities vary depending on the strength of the relationship, but it's the same general feeling, or at least i think so.

the worst part of everything is that you talk to someone everyday for x amount of time, and then all of a sudden, one day, it stops.  it's sudden and incredibly drastic.  fuck, i just realized you still have my book.  oh well, i also just remembered that i still have your football (and all your hoodies, thanks).  anyhow, back to what i was saying, it's hard to go from one extreme of talking 24/7 to the other of not speaking at all.  and i hate to admit to it, but every time my phone vibrates because of a new text or before the ringtone starts when someone calls, every once in a while, in the back of my head, i think it might be you.  and when i see that it's not i get a little disappointed.  not because i want to talk to you, but because i thought you'd fight a little more for it.  whatever it is.

i was talking to KC about this just a couple of days ago.  she was happy that mike asked if he could still call her every once in a while.  she thought they would completely stop talking after he moved.  i told her it wouldn't really happen, at least not for a long time and she said it was just good to know the option was there.  which it is.  i have to admit, it's a great feeling knowing that, when it came down to it, if you really needed him, he would be there.  it just seems like i went to you for anything and everything for the past how many months.  you knew everything i did, for the most part, and if there was ever a problem, you'd be the first i'd call because you always knew how to solve it.  from my really big school problems or when my car breaks on the freeway after work to something as small as a bad haircut.  and now, i don't want anything to do with you.  it's crazy how much can change in such a short amount of time.

i guess i just understand what you mean now.  i always used to say you were weird for saying you couldn't sleep unless you talked to me first, that the sound of my voice helped you sleep.  it's like a bed time story, you hear it every night for how long and it becomes routine.  and it makes complete sense now. 

don't mistake this for me saying that i miss you or that i can't live without you.  because i don't and i can.  i can't miss all the lies and drama you fed me.  nor can i say that i can't live without you because i have and i am now.  it's just weird.  people have been asking if i'm okay and that's all i can say to explain it, i don't know how else to.  i'm not sad, i don't think i ever was.  i'm not mad anymore either, that didn't last too long.  i'm completely over it.  but i don't know how to explain whatever's leftover. 

i'm really just left wondering what was lies and what wasn't.  when i think about it more, i think i know you well enough to piece together the story, but i can't help but wonder what would have happened if i let you explain. or what you would've told me at least.  and when you would've told me. oh well, it's done with.  and i'm happy to say that i honestly want nothing to do with you for a long time.  so do me a favor and in a few months or a year when you see something that makes you think of me and wonder how i'm doing, don't call.  you at least owe me that much.

ace.
 

So I'm working the AM shift tomorrow.  Meaning I should be leaving for work in about three-and-a-half hours.  I should probably be asleep by now, but I can't. As of Thursday nightish I haven't been able to sleep and I'm not too sure why.  It reminds me a little of when my parents were gone this past November and I never slept.  Maybe I get like this when my dad leaves?  Or when finals roll around?  Who knows.  But I cannot wait for finals to be done with because I'll be on my way to the happiest place on earth.  :]

Anyhow, what I came on here to write about was something that happened on Friday.  Soooo, I was at Costco picking up some stuff and I heard someone call my name.  I was surprised anyone even recognized me since I chopped off a good portion of my hair.  And it was a friend from high school. More of an acquaintance, we had a few classes together, he played lacrosse with my boyfriend at the time, and that was really all.  We hung out with different groups of people and didn't really know each other too well.  But it was nice knowing that he recognized me.  We engaged in conversation for a good ten minutes before I had to go and he had to go back to work, but its just one of those little things that made me smile. 

I don't know why I felt the need to share it, but I love days like that.  And nice people, they're awesome.

So today in Calculus, after our test, our teacher was teaching (what a concept!) and he started rambling about something that actually interested me.  Usually in Calculus I play bejeweled on my phone until class is over.  Today was weird because he decided to have lecture after our test so I really didn't have anything on me to take notes.  Anyhow, he was talking math and then all of a sudden I heard him say the word, "corpus callosum,"  which is most probably my favorite part of the body. Yeah, I'm a nerd.

Anyhow, he was talking about the split screen studies done in the seventies on epileptic patients who had grand mal seizures.  I remember learning about this in psychology, and this specific study was one I remember particularly well because it was on an episode of Grey's, so I stopped playing and listened.  A lot of it was stuff I had already learned, but then he started talking about how once the examiners started asking the patients about the effects of the surgery and the results of their tests, he said that the patients automatically tried to make up excuses for pointing to the wrong item.  He started talking about how the brain is programmed to automatically make up a story to match up with what's given to them.  Essentially, he was saying that people's brains are programmed to lie. 

Technically, it's true.  Not many people can admit when they're wrong right off the bat, they have to be given evidence and counter-arguments to their excuses.  And I always thought it was a bad thing when people couldn't admit they were wrong, but when you put it that way, it doesn't seem so bad.  It's only instinct for someone to think of an excuse when they are ambushed with an accusation (or something not good like that).  It seems like that person in the wrong is just being stubborn, but in reality, it's more likely that whoever is accusing that person was just more prepared for the argument than the accused.  Now, if the accused still can't admit their wrong after all this evidence, that's just pride.  Or stupidity. 

I don't really know why I'm writing about this, I don't think I have a specific point to get to, just thought it was interesting.  Yeah, I always sucked at conclusions, I guess it makes it worse when you don't really have one.  Mhmm. I guess point it I like learning about the brain and how it works  :]

Nice to meet you.  Care to kill my bank account?

I hate smoking.  I hate it so much, it's almost ridiculous because I don't have a real reason.  I don't know anyone with lung cancer, I didn't know anyone who passed away because of it (or even someone who knows someone), I don't have any previous experiences with it, nothing.  But I still hate it.  It's one of the few things I can actually say I hate.  Scratch that, I hate marijuana.  Weed, bud, chronic, whatever you want to call it, I hate it.

I don't understand how you can tell someone you love them, but refuse to give up something so unnecessary for them.  Not even as a boyfriend, as a friend.  For two seconds, we can look past that whole boyfriend/girlfriend/love issue and just look at it from an outsider's perspective.

If you cared about someone (anyone) and knew something was bothering them, you would do anything in your power to make that person feel better, right?  And if you know what was bothering them was something you had control over, you would fix it, right?  So what makes smoking so different?  Who cares if you don't understand what about it bothers that person?  Just as long as that person isn't upset anymore, right?  I mean, if it's something you can live without (and you can live without it, tons of people do), then what do you have to lose?  What do you have to gain from continuing to smoke?  Nothing.  And what do you have to lose if you stop?  Nothing. 

Nobody wants to be that person who is 25 or 30-years old and is still getting high on a daily basis.  So if you know you're not going to be doing it in the future, what's the harm in stopping now?  You know where you want to go in life, or you at least have a general idea, and how is smoking going to help you get there?  It's only going to make you a better person if you quit, more dependable, more responsible, etc.

And let's be honest, it affects the way you act.  You can say it doesn't until you turn blue, but when you finally do something stupid, what's your excuse? 

Then it comes down to, "it's who I am."  Bullshit.  It's not who you are, it doesn't define you.  If you stop smoking, you'll still be you, maybe even better.  So what's the excuse now?  There is none.  You have no excuse to keep smoking, and every single one you can come up with has a counter-argument.  So, in the end, you have every reason to stop and no real reason to keep going other than that it "feels good," and honestly, I can think of a thousand other things that are just as great.

So, what?  You lose a couple hours of being high.  But I would hope that whoever you would presumably quit for would be worth those few hours.  And I suppose it just goes to show how you really feel about someone if you aren't willing to give up something so trivial for someone you care about (or someone you supposedly love).

Me:  ugh, blah.
Elizabeth:  The definition of our lives.

I have a bad habit of buying things when I'm not in the happiest point in life.  Or doing things.  Last time I was incredibly frustrated/upset, I went skydiving, that really put a dent in my bank account.  Today, I went a bunch of places with Nick and one of our mutual friends and we walked into Best Buy and I walked out $400 poorer.  I bought a Wii.  And an extra controller, a game, and a nunchuk (I think that's what it's called).  Last week it was a DS and two games.  And it's not like I need these things, my sister already had a DS.  As for Wii, I was going to wait until I had more time to play it.  And it's not like my life is horrible, it's actually going quite well, maybe a little stress, but nothing I'm not used to.  On top of all this, I've learned of all the things I have to pay for in the future.  For example, the photo booth for my sister's wedding (those do not come cheap), a bachelorette party in Disneyland, another bachelorette party in Vegas (goodbye money), Christmas presents, and much more.  I don't like this.  I'm not regretting getting the Wii, but I really should learn how to save my money.

What does your name mean and why did your parents choose it for you? 
Submitted by mommy2two.

I was named after Alyssa Milano (of Who's the Boss) and Justine Bateman (Family Ties), 80's sitcom child stars.  Their names are pronounced uh-liss-uh and jus-teen but mine is pronounced uh-lee-sah just-in.  And my parents didn't pick my name, my sister's did.  When I was really young, I remember them telling me that they put a bunch of names in a hat (I'm assuming they were all famous actresses) and those were the two to come out.  I think Jennifer was also in there, that's why every time I need a fake name, that's the one I choose.  But then I also heard that I was supposed to be a boy, hence the Justin part of my name.  So I really don't know what the story is.  But the first half is definitely true, and I only found out about it recently.  So my name is Alyssa Justine Espiritu Carlos.  Espiritu, my middle name, being my mom's maiden name.  Just because that's the Filipino thing to do.  Pronounced Uh-lee-sah Just-in Es-peer-ee-too Car-low-s.  Wonderful, isn't it?

And I think I decided that if I ever get married I'm going to hyphenate my last name, if it doesn't sound too Mexican.  If it does, I think I'll just keep mine, it sounds nice.  And I don't think my name will look good next to any other last name.  Plus no other last name is good enough, HAHAH.