you don't owe me anything, you paid me well with memories
tonight, i took the long way home. i drove around some of the residential streets in coronado. then the business district. then got off the freeway at main st. and national city ave. then made a big circle, got back on the 5 south, got off again at the next exit, drove to the marina and back, made that same circle, and eventually got back home. i needed to think, a lot. and i did. i wanted to cry, but i couldn't muster up any tears. and i wanted to listen to a fine frenzy. i realized tonight that a lot of her stuff is pretty depressing. probably not the best type of mood music.. but you know.
i am tearing myself apart. i am analyzing and hating and just.. not caring anymore. because, you know, i've finally realized just how easy it is to not care. well, unless you're desperately trying not to care, because you have to keep reassuring yourself of that you're ready to forget them, forcing you to think of them at the same time. what a vicious cycle. i'm not sure where i'm going with this, i'm just typing and listening to cheers and considering passing out. i'm just upset and i don't know what else to do with myself.
this all sounds a lot better in my head though. a lot of things do. it's like when you're too fucked up to function properly. your head is buzzing with thoughts and reasonings and you know just how stupid you're really acting and sounding.. but too bad, you can't do anything about it. that's a bad experience. nothing makes you feel worse than that, really.
andrew's coming soon. and that's good, i guess. i'm needing this mini-vacation a lot more than i'm realizing. i would say that i need it to escape from drama.. but i don't have any. really, i don't have enough friends down here anymore to have any. that's part of the pros and cons of leaving, right? whatever.
i'm seconds away from just pummeling my keyboard because i feel like that would just get out my frustration out a hell of a lot better than just typing this random bullshit and jumping around and writing poorly. but what good would that do. but it's not like this does much good either. i need to do something, because this is getting to be ridiculous.
it's about 1:00 and now i think i'm thinking too much too quickly to keep up with myself. i could try to go on. i keep thinking about being narrow-minded and stupid and naive, those adjectives not all directed totally at me, but i will easily accept them. but i don't know. i'm tired. and this is probably incoherent enough. and i have work tomorrow, and unfortunately i'm opening. and unfortunately, tomorrow morning's work starts out with not only with the densometer and what not, but i need to find out how to change the inks and chemistry on a machine that i've really never used. and i need to resubmit my application because the company misplaced mine in the mail. whatever. vacation starts tomorrow evening at 6:01pm. maybe by then i'll stop this thinking.
