7 posts tagged “disappointed”
scratch that last part of the last post.
my summer home is officially over in.. about six days now? and i couldn't be more excited to head back. to be completely honest, i'm sick of this place. i expected too much before i came home and did too little to satisfy any of those expectations. throw a kick back? nope. beach day? not really. lunches galore with friends? eh, maybe two or three. disneyland? once. so much for those my 3 days left at the park. granted, i know i was incredibly busy with my work schedule. who knew i'd be stuck working full time, hours smack dab in the middle of the day and evening.
you know when some things are too close for comfort? you just go somewhere or someone says something and it sparks up some whole past memory and drives you absolutely insane. that's probably the only way i could describe this past sunday. from the awkward feelings to the methods of playing, from the frozen lemonade to the types of rides, it all seemed so.. similar.
looking away from my bad habits of shyness, and not speaking up, and feeling intimidated by sweet guys, that whole feeling from above simply shut me up for the entire day. what should have been incredibly enjoyable, a great addition to what should be an amazing summer home was just.. a remind of what was and what isn't. well okay, maybe that's not quite right, i did have a nice time. i mean, hell, disneyland is always fun. but looking back, i know i must have seemed so ridiculous with a frown or what not on my face at seemingly random times during the day. but whatever, the past is the past. at least i came out with a new friend, a souvenir, and a few cute pictures. and uh, at least we got on the nemo ride, even though the line seemed like it took ages.
i wish i could say more about the day, the aftermath, and whatever else, but i'm incredibly down right now.. and i'm being distracted by the godfather: part ii, but that's beside the point. i guess.. i just never thought that a loss of.. hope. just hope, nothing more, could have such a negative effect. but then again, i've never really been the optimistic type, so i guess dashing me down when i am on such an unusual high would have that sort of effect. but whatever, because now i'm just rambling on.
..in brighter news, the house looks nice.
i wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
as we moved together in the dark
and all the friends that i was telling
and all the playful misspellings
and every bite i gave you left a mark
as tiny vessels oozed into your neck
and formed the bruises
that you said you didn't want to fade
but they did and so did i that day
so one last touch and then you'll go
and we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
but it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me
i suppose that's how it has to be looked at, and although i don't like admitting it to myself.. death cab has never sounded so.. right. i'm not proud, i'm not disappointed [okay, that might be a lie], i'm just confused.
pardon my french, but you are a mother fucking hypocrite, my friend, if that's even what we could call ourselves. i know, i know, that's stretching it big time. friend is a god damn huge word in your book. but i've got to use some sort of noun and well, the ideas that you once presented, well those are full of shit. your term describes two people who care, care deeply about each other. we obviously don't.
so where am i going with this? i'm just sitting here, angry. but see, the thing is, i don't know whether i'm angry at you or myself. i was the one who threw myself into this whole mix, knowing very well about you. my friends despise you. they made that extremely clear when one tried to force you out of his room, while another simply described you as a 'horny douche' whom i should be careful around. [i should have listened.] you cheat on your girlfriend openly. [or ex girlfriend. or whatever you were going on and on about. pick a story and stick with it.] in fact, you even admitted this to me. and you even had the balls to tell her about me. and the others, there has to be others. i do feel like i should be pissed at myself. for making poor choices. for not listening to my friends. for listening so intently to such a smooth talker. looking back, i take that part back. smooth? nah, you were fucking sketch the whole way through. i was just too.. intrigued, naive, bored to care.
but then again, i think about it. you knew enough about me to figure out what was right, wrong, appropriate, whatever i don't know. you knew damn well what you were doing, so i give you props for that. er well, you did at first. but here's a hint: if you want a girl gone, don't hold her hand. don't IM her all the fucking time. don't tell her you might be starting to like her. don't take her out on a date. if you want something short and simple, fucking do it and bolt.
oh, and then don't fuck up and do the same thing you did to her to her close friend. i didn't expect you to be that stupid, but whatever. you're misleading. you're deceitful. you're a dick and i knew this. and i rolled along with it. one day you want me, the next you're after a new girl. and so what, so you probably had "one of the best times with that alex girl.." right, whatever. sure, keep telling that to my friend, that'll get her to go for you. take her on that walk to that japanese garden, just like you did to me. and ask for that kiss. because you know, if it worked for me, it'll definitely work for my friend. and it's not like us girls tell each other these types of things, so when you do it, she'll be completely surprised, i guarantee it. tell her during your walk that you aren't looking for a relationship, cause school's over in three weeks. and then later that night, best done within 10 minutes of said walk, talk about how you had such a great time with me and tell her that a relationship sounds good right about now.
you're a source of frustration. of distraction. i'm lucky we really don't know each other. well, not so much, i guess that puts me in a bad position too. so maybe i'm stupid. you're fickle, and i think that's a bit worse. make up your mind. stick to one girl. and if you're not doing that, then why don't you try not telling your current plaything about your others, because that's downright unattractive. i don't see why you can't see that as well.
talk to me again when you get your story straight, asshole.
you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me.
so monday was incredibly.. interesting. mondays and wednesdays, i only have one class this quarter. bach and the baroque, from 2:00-3:50pm. the lack of classes is nice and all, believe me, but it leaves me with a whole mess of free time. not wanting to step up to the plate and start my reading, like a responsible student should, i decided to mess around online for a little while.. okay, a long while.
it's funny what you learn when you're miles away from your friends and family, sitting alone in a dorm room, crying and sulking for hours, and well, being ditched. thursday night, juan and i were on the phone and he said he could come to san jose on friday, spend a couple of hours with me after his work [but would leave early because he had to throw his brother's birthday party] or spend the entire day with me on saturday. i was 'greedy,' i chose saturday.
- learning strategy research paper: check. but i found out today that it's due on october 28th. i busted my ass this weekend for nothing.
