3 posts tagged “upset”

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you don't owe me anything, you paid me well with memories

tonight, i took the long way home. i drove around some of the residential streets in coronado. then the business district. then got off the freeway at main st. and national city ave. then made a big circle, got back on the 5 south, got off again at the next exit, drove to the marina and back, made that same circle, and eventually got back home. i needed to think, a lot. and i did. i wanted to cry, but i couldn't muster up any tears. and i wanted to listen to a fine frenzy. i realized tonight that a lot of her stuff is pretty depressing. probably not the best type of mood music.. but you know.

i am tearing myself apart. i am analyzing and hating and just.. not caring anymore. because, you know, i've finally realized just how easy it is to not care. well, unless you're desperately trying not to care, because you have to keep reassuring yourself of that you're ready to forget them, forcing you to think of them at the same time. what a vicious cycle. i'm not sure where i'm going with this, i'm just typing and listening to cheers and considering passing out. i'm just upset and i don't know what else to do with myself.

this all sounds a lot better in my head though. a lot of things do. it's like when you're too fucked up to function properly. your head is buzzing with thoughts and reasonings and you know just how stupid you're really acting and sounding.. but too bad, you can't do anything about it. that's a bad experience. nothing makes you feel worse than that, really.

andrew's coming soon. and that's good, i guess. i'm needing this mini-vacation a lot more than i'm realizing. i would say that i need it to escape from drama.. but i don't have any. really, i don't have enough friends down here anymore to have any. that's part of the pros and cons of leaving, right? whatever.

i'm seconds away from just pummeling my keyboard because i feel like that would just get out my frustration out a hell of a lot better than just typing this random bullshit and jumping around and writing poorly. but what good would that do. but it's not like this does much good either. i need to do something, because this is getting to be ridiculous. 

it's about 1:00 and now i think i'm thinking too much too quickly to keep up with myself. i could try to go on. i keep thinking about being narrow-minded and stupid and naive, those adjectives not all directed totally at me, but i will easily accept them. but i don't know. i'm tired. and this is probably incoherent enough. and i have work tomorrow, and unfortunately i'm opening. and unfortunately, tomorrow morning's work starts out with not only with the densometer and what not, but i need to find out how to change the inks and chemistry on a machine that i've really never used. and i need to resubmit my application because the company misplaced mine in the mail. whatever. vacation starts tomorrow evening at 6:01pm. maybe by then i'll stop this thinking.
Post a comment Tags: upset

good to know if i ever need attention...

i'm not the type of girl who likes to show jealousy. i'll laugh along with you and tell you to sleep with the girl who called you, begging you to come over cause her parents aren't home. i'll tell you to stop talking to me because some girl who has the face of angelina jolie and the body of jessica alba wants to talk to you too. i'll tell you that your ex wants you back badly, badly enough to ask you to sleep with her on a weekly basis and invite you on a full-paid vacation anywhere in the US, and realistically, she's 3000 miles closer to you than i am. i won't say a word when you keep me on hold because one of the millions of your female friends calls you in the middle of our conversations. i'll laugh at you and call you a player when you tell me about the random girls who hit on you during your lunch break. but you always say that you wouldn't dare do a thing like that because you have your fiancee, me, and you wouldn't want to make her unhappy. besides, i have no reason to be jealous; we're not together now, are we? but i slipped, you caught me once. i guess it's understandable though, i'm sure no guy can handle taking a second.. or third.. or fourth.. look at a girl in a mini MINI skirt, high heels, a button up shirt tied up to show her stomach, her bra hanging out of her shirt. that's the whole point of her outfit. sure, okay, i get it. but when it's one of my friends, that's where it hits me. i am no sharon miller, nor will i ever be. i cannot wear outfits like that, and i never would be caught dead in one anywhere similar to it. i'll laugh and tell you to hit on these girls who are strangers to me for the sole reason that i have no idea who they are. but i'll be dead silent when you joke about finding and meeting sharon in some club. i'll be dead silent when you laugh about it, proving that you're joking. and i'll be dead silent when you say "...not cool?" hell no, it's not cool. you may take it well if i joke around and ask for one of your friend's numbers, but it doesn't work the other way around. after three months, after i've told you almost everything about me, you should know this.       but no matter what, i can't stay mad. i'm a sucker for your words. your singing and your espanol make me weak. you'll call me a pet name, give me a cute little MUAH! and i'll be right back to normal. i can't help it.


i'm not the type of girl who likes to show emotions. well, at least the sad ones. i've done so three times, i didn't mean to. i couldn't help it. the first, i realized just how homesick i really was after you were discussing the san diego night life. you cheered me up, told me you went through the very same ordeal back when you were still in school. the second, you tricked me, said she was pregnant. you laughed and said "october fools" and i cried. i really didn't mean to do that. i guess i was relieved. or scared. i guess both. the third, i told you my matt wanted to kill himself and was doing too many drugs and you tried to help me through it. crying was the only thing i could do. your voice turned serious and sincere when i told you i needed to go home. i think it's in the moments like that when i really know what you're feeling. that's the only time i truly feel comfortable with myself. with whatever we are.

i'm not the type of girl who accepts things easily. i'll put up a fight when the compliments are numerous. you'll call me cute and i'll call you crazy. you'll say 'je t'aime, chica bonita' and i'll say 'non. je te deteste, chico.' but you'll catch me every time and know that i'm lying. you'll tell me that i don't need to go to the gym, that i can wait until summer when you come down to san diego to be my personal trainer. boy is that a lie, i know i desperately need to get back into that gym. i wish you'd believe me. i don't think i'll ever accept the fact that you would 'take me as i am' or something along those lines, just because i feel that if i was in your position, i wouldn't take me in any case. but then again, i am unrealistic and incredibly hard on myself. i don't know what to expect anymore.

the only thing i do know is that you're the only person who thinks it's cute when i try to speak spanish. you don't make fun of my french accent. you say "how cute! you've almost got it!" and you encourage me to keep trying. thank you for that.

1 comment Tags: boy, doubt, upset

you are my sweetest downfall

1. i'm lost. confused. sick. worried. unsure.
ups, downs, and sharp turns galore.
i can't quite handle it.


2. i got asked out on a date yesterday.
the guy also told me that i had "so much to offer."
and he said i was "hot."


3. i received a message saying "just thinking about you."
i also received one that says "now it says we are soulmates."
and then i heard the worst bit of drama ever.
i need to go home.
2 comments Tags: upset
cooxie

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